I had a tutorial and in it, it was decided that i should begin making. to see what my ideas will look like. what I'm most worried about is that the work will be much less interesting than the ideas.

Woah, so i watched this film called Waking Life that Patrick lent me. I'm not sure what to think. First of all, i watched it in lots of parts as i have been sleepy and busy and it's pretty heavy for a weekend film. I think i found the rota scoping (sp?) very distracting. but then it made the heavy ...i want to say text, but 'dialogue' less ...preaching? but i wanted to rewind constantly to take in all the things that were being said. It has given me things to semi-ponder. i don't feel as though i can dedicate too much time to thinking about whether i am awake or asleep or whether i have died and I'm living the life I'm living retrospectively as an old woman looking back. I mainly don't want to spend a lot of time on this because i don't feel like i can do that without feeling a little bit crazy. I also think i need to dedicate time to living in 'the moment'. and i don't mean that in one of those thrill seeking 'happy-go-lucky' prick ways. i mean, i need to get a grip on the 'now' and interact and absorb the fleeting moments. because right now is 'fleeting', it's gone. it's irretrievable.

( i might be writing in a very dumbed down and honest way and not really thinking about structures of sentences today as i am reading The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chobski and that's the writing style of the character -the story is told in letters. I think i have been influenced by this style of writing. also I'm really tired from last night and my interview thing.)

So, whilst Waking Life was extremely interesting and it's fascinating and freakish and refreshing all at once to find that people are thinking these kinds of things, it's the sort of terrifying subject matter that has no answers, just infinite pondering and theories. At the same time, i think it's an extremely valid and necessary foray. People need to be questioning this all.

One of the scenes is two women talking and one says about how she was expecting to arrive at this plateau in her mid 30s where things would be easy and settled and exhilaration would be lost but she arrived and this was not the case as she knew that everything is on going and changing and evolving. and this sounds exhausting at the moment. honestly i think the idea of dying is maybe what a lot of humans hold in their minds without realising it. If everyone felt infinite, maybe they wouldn't get married or have children. or maybe they would, but there might not be the same trends. as no one would feel pressured to do all this before they were 30. or whenever they think they should. would that happen? maybe this is the smallest and most boring aspect of this whole thing ! what i was trying to get at was that -at least the way i envision time and my life is one column and it is sketchy and rough and there are things i want to do before or at certain ages. and there is definitely an end to this column. but i think maybe envisioning the column ending, could be what spurs me to do the things i want to do before certain ages. but is this right? i'm getting distracted and tying myself up in knots.

maybe rather than thinking about these infinite large things, i should be concerntrating on now and what i can do to sustain myself now and absorb the seconds. and 'making it count' and all that shit.

should i be outlining the things that matter and sticking to them? is that the best way to go about it? i think it could be. a lot of the self-assured people i know, know what they like and don't like. and they seem to have a strong sense of what they think they need, perhaps.
i think that my living is mostly theory and no doing.

There is a part in the film where four men are walking along and just..saying sentences and asking rhetorical questions and they are talking about people who are all doing and no theory and how they are all theory and no doing and the rota scoped figures seemed subdued at that conclusion.

and i think that's how i feel about it.